Home > Uncategorized > The column they wouldn’t let me print

The column they wouldn’t let me print

They, in this case, are my trusted advisers — namely my wife, son and friends Andy and Nicki. I thought this was a work of humorous genius, they somewhat agreed, but thought the topic and the approach was, well, inappropriate.

So, what else do you do with a column that is unfit to print? Put it on the blog, of course. Hopefully, I won’t offend (because I seem to be doing that quite often lately).

Anyway, I hope you enjoy (and don’t cringe too much) on a tour of the men’s room…

I want you to follow me for a moment, as awkward as it may be, into the men’s room. Realizing that many of you probably have never been in here before, I wanted to show you around; give you a tour of the place, if you will.

A quick count of “facilities” will give some interesting insight. There are three times as many urinals as stalls. That’s a good thing – unless the one and only stall is occupied when you need it. If that’s the case, men are faced with the classic “fight or flight” dilemma. Do you fight off the urge and wait it out or take flight, run-walking like an Olympic athlete trying to find another available location?

To the right are the urinals. (Can I write that in a family paper?) You will notice they are all in a nice row and while exactly alike, are not all treated equally. You see, it’s a natural law (or weird phenomenon of nature) that in any grouping of urinals, the outside units are the most popular, followed by the odd-numbered ones.

Here’s how it works: man A walks into the restroom and almost without exception, will choose to use one of the outside urinals. Man B undoubtedly will pick the station at the opposite end of the line. When Man C enters, he will choose a remaining available location – most likely the center urinal or any other free unit as long as empty space remains between his peers (that rhymes with fears, not fee-ers).

Why? No one knows. It’s just the way it is. And, if by some freak alignment of the planets, there are more men than there are odd-numbered receptacles, eventually a brave gentlemen will neighbor-up to another fellow. At this point, similarities to a group of hostages about to meet an untimely end at the hands of a firing squad are appropriate, as are references to thoroughbreds at the starting gate – all eager to break free.

My wife tells me conversation is common in women’s rooms. In here it is very rare, and when it does occur, another unwritten rule comes into play: while outside in the “real world” it’s considered rude to avoid eye contact when speaking to someone, in this sanitary environment, the opposite is true. Eyes go straight ahead. No exceptions.

Many take advantage of this fact and sprinkle (bad choice of words, I know) a “captive” audience with advertisements, posters and witty graffiti. Other restroom providers stream (oops, another bad choice) TV shows, post menus or even display a page of the newspaper (maybe even this page).

Continuing with the tour, to your left are the sinks. I’ve heard that they’re for the washing of hands, but observation has yet to confirm this theory. I think restroom designers understand that. I know of a restaurant men’s room with three toilets, four urinals, two sinks and just one hand-dryer. Obviously, some things are more important than others.

You will notice in our exploration of the facility a lack of soft furnishings, chairs, WiFi connections, carpet or any sort of decoration. I have heard that these features are present in some women’s rooms, although, again, I have not had visual confirmation of these reports. I do know, however, that men approach restrooms like shopping malls—get in, do business and get out. No lounging or loitering is allowed or acceptable.

That concludes our tour of the men’s room. We have to go so others may. If not, the next guy who has to go may be forced to use urinal number four.

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Categories: Uncategorized
  1. Jason
    April 12, 2012 at 10:35 am

    This is hysterically true and accurate! Another interesting point is that of the lower mounted urinal. I have often seen men waiting in line while disregarding its presence. Is there something emasculating about using a low urinal? Or, are these “waiters” just courteous to to the possibility that a gentleman who can not reach the higher urinal will walk in? lol…

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